Reverting Back

Okay, I admit– I’ve been slacking on this blog, but I had a perfectly valid reason!

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of so many emotions that were hard to regulate and contain. The main point of stress was my book launch. Though successful, it was extremely anxiety-inducing. My mom and I only had a few weeks (two to be exact) to prepare everything, and we were constantly on a time crunch. There were multiple instances where I was going to pull the plug on the event and give up. Whether that was due to financial reasons or difficulties with the venue, there was always some bullshit that made planning rough.

But I wasn’t raised to drop things once they get tremendously hard, and I refuse to half-ass anything. So with a few meltdowns and a lot of nerves, I pushed through because I made a commitment to myself and to my friends and family. I don’t get to have a lot of moments for myself, so it was high time I did something big for myself and celebrated my hard work. I simply told myself that it would work out, and things fell into place. That’s living proof that speaking things into existence truly works; if you say something is going to happen, it will.

Moving on to the positive aspects of my book launch, there was such a great turnout! It was truly an unforgettable night. It’s definitely one of the points in my life where I truly felt seen, heard, and understood. I’ll be listing the highlights of my night below:

• My friends who read my poetry about them.

  • Kaley, Joelle, Payton. Each of you had such a vibrant reading, I was fucking blown away by your voices and how you read my pieces. The emotions were at an all-time high when I watched my best friends read. I’m so touched that you guys were so willing and got up on that stage without any fear. You have no idea how grateful I am to have you guys in my life and how much I cherish your existences. Each of you was beautiful. I hope those poems really stick with you guys because it’s my love letter to each of you. I have so much love for you three, and I’ll never stop writing for you guys.

• My emcee.

  • Shandela is one of a kind. I’ve met a lot of poets and writers throughout my relatively short life, but Shandela is transcendent in a way that I can’t even describe how amazing she is. I’ve never met someone with so much poise and grace. You took control of the room with ease and made the venue feel like a safe space. I couldn’t imagine a better person to lead the launch with.

• My mom.

  • 22 years of living, and she still manages to amaze me with how quick on her feet she is. If I’m not the one who makes my dreams come true, it’s her. My gratitude is endless. She was running around making sure everything was perfect. Talk about unconditional love, devotion in the purest form. Thank you for always putting me first, ma. I’ll repay you sextuple the amount someday, just you wait.

• The people who came.

  • From my middle school teacher to kindergarten friends I’ve known for life, it was heartwarming to see that I’m loved. You may often feel like no one is in your corner. I had doubts that anyone would come, but if you just invite people or ask, they show up. There were also a good number of people I had met for the first time at my book launch, and it was an immediate connection. I have to thank my writing for that. The fact that I made some people cry still surprises me that I can move people’s emotions. It feels like damn near a superpower. It means that someone is listening. I have such a difficult time trying to be heard; turns out I didn’t have to try that hard at all. I feel so lucky that people care enough to take my honeyed words and ingest them, savoring them on every taste bud as if I had made a fresh batch. When in reality, it’s honey that’s been neglected on the shelf for far too long, and I am now just breaking the crystal honeycomb, sharing the pieces with anyone and everyone.

It took me a few days to write this entry, for it is now September 8th (I started writing this on August 25), and I wait for class to start as I sit outside in the unbearable heat. I wonder about various things that might have nothing or everything to do with this blog post.

Was the Vietnamese coffee and boiled egg pairing for breakfast worth it?

Will I falter this semester with the load I’ve taken upon myself?

How am I going to write a second book when I don’t feel as inspired as I did this summer?

How low will I fall when the high was so remarkably blissful?

I end this entry with an excerpt from a poem I wrote last night for class:

Confidence spews out like scalding chocolate

Velvet falsehoods with underlying truths

Trace an outline of what could be “Indigo”

They’ve lost the clumsiness, gaining tactfulness

“I’m in love with you”

Captured in my esophagus

Repetition

Through phrase, but not through person

Unfortunately embarrassing when the repetition is cut short

The taste of another’s Burt’s Bees lipbalm, strongly mingling with a heady menthol breath

Become salty

The ocean has escaped coffee eyes, flooding the parted pair of lips that have lied too often

With so much love,

Indigo