Indigo’s A Slacker
Full transparency, I suck at updating my blog because I forget about it 99% of the time. I feel like I either have too much to say or nothing at all. Today? The latter.
I’ve been so busy with school and work that I’ve barely had any time to breathe. My free days really are close to nonexistent with the schedule I have, but with the holidays coming up, I have some leeway to do the things I truly want to do. That includes remembering this blog exists.
There have been some significant changes and realizations in my life recently. A lot of unwanted feelings for people I’m starting to realize… Don’t really deserve them. I tend to put myself in situations where lines are blurred or there’s a lack of communication. I am to blame, but there’s also a sense of responsibility I expect from the other person to stop me and say “no, we shouldn’t.” I’m being pretty vague, but I’m not trying to incriminate myself.
I often wonder if the people who don’t speak to me anymore read this, I also wonder if the people who still do know when I’m talking about them. It might be toxic or messy but I like making people guess whether the blog entry is about them or not. It makes you think about your relationship with me. Not question, but think.
Expanding on the point about unwanted feelings, I recently felt as if I’ve fallen for someone. But this time, I’m unsure. There’s so much about them that needs work and their mindset and headspace isn’t necessarily something I favor. I often forget that I have to think about myself when I start harboring feelings for someone. On paper, they’re pretty much what I want in a partner, but deep down as a person? There seems to be a disconnect. Which sucks, because shouldn’t you accept their flaws and shortcomings with open arms? But how can you if it hinders your own growth and wellbeing? I love them, and I know I’m precise with my feelings for them. But I had to bite my tongue and step back to truly weigh out the decisions I could be making. Now, I’m questioning if I’m falling for them or the concept of them again. The cycle does seem to never end. I’m a little tired of falling for potential. I think I should be with someone who will be present and give their all into making sure I’m being treated correctly. That usually starts with friendship, something solid and concrete that has been cared for. I guess a part of the reason why I’m unsure about my feelings is that the friendship I have with this individual may not be as solid as I thought it was. Quite frankly, I feel like second place in their lives and I’ll be settling again.
Yet, here I am… Wishing for more than shallow affection.
Thankfully, nothing awful has happened and I’m not writing 30,000 poems about having my heart broken again. I wrote only two this time, thank you very much. One is a prose poem about how I absolutely have hate in my heart for the previous person they were in a relationship with, the second is me sort of coming to terms with the fact that we may never happen as a couple and friendship might be our only saving grace. Both came with pain when writing them. I honestly don’t think they’re very strong poems, but they’re honest.
I had a friend last night say she appreciates my candor, I felt my smile grow because I lie too often. Maybe I was lying a lot last night about how I felt. Because I feel so out of sorts and all over the place. But hearing someone say that I’m a straight up person feels rewarding when all I seem to do is pour my heart out to everyone. It makes me think of whether it makes me boring or fun, because I feel like I lose a part of myself when I just try to be all fun and games. But I give too much of myself when I’m extremely down to earth.
Indigo, choose a struggle. I know. But that’s what this fucking blog is for and I’m gonna talk my shit.
Honestly? I’ve been trying to be a good friend, or a friend at all. But some of you make it really god damn difficult. If you think you’re that one friend that I’m calling out right now, I hope you think real hard about our interactions and where we’ve might’ve misaligned. I think I’ve been relatively angry because I feel like I overextend myself to make things happen with me and certain friends, but they don’t reciprocate with the same energy. Tell me, please, what it’s all for when we won’t meet halfway?
I’m sure some of y’all have felt this way before and it doesn’t feel great. I do have someone in my life that’s causing me mild strife but I don’t think it’s intentional (which honestly pisses me off even more). I don’t think they’re open to being told how they’re acting is rather… Dunno, unattractive?
So word of advice that I received from my closest confidants: WEIGH OUT THE PROS AND CONS.
Truly assess that person you think you’re falling for and think about what’s good about them and what’s not. You have to actually think about the fact if they’d pull through as a romantic partner. Apparently, it helps to write it down as well. I haven’t done that because I’m lazy, but this person has shown a lot of qualities I don’t think I can get down with if they were my partner. Because honestly? I’m also turned off as a friend. So I don’t know if this is a good thing or not that my feelings for them are wavering. Maybe it’s a good thing? I don’t need extra bullshit on my plate right now and I’m learning how to will myself into not feeling certain things for certain people.
I’m not sure if you’re learning anything from this, but this is what’s on my mind right now.
My birthday is in two weeks and I’m mildly excited about it. I’ll probably write for my birthday because 23 is a weird age, like what the fuck is 23?
Anyways, I’ll leave it at this. If you read this far, I’m giving you a smooch for actually giving a shit about what I have to say. MWAH!
With so much love,
Indigo
