Looking Back on 22

Another year around the sun.

At first, I was a little lost on what to say about turning 23. But I realized that I can reflect on my whole year of being a 22-year-old. I’m writing this at my desk, honestly a bit sick, and a little irritated that I’m not feeling 100% on what’s supposed to be my day. Regardless, I will push through and speak on the significant events of 22.

Obviously, the biggest thing that I can think of is the fact I became a published author. I had so many doubts and insecurities that it wouldn’t push through, or that I would take even more time to do so. I learned patience, I learned how to push myself, and most importantly––I learned how to believe in what I’m passionate about. It’s hard to be proud of yourself sometimes because you feel like it’s either not deserved or you could do so much better. This book helped me realize that I have every right to pour energy into myself and myself only. There will be no one else to love when everyone and everything else fades away. I’m extremely happy that I overcame the emotional obstacles that were blinding me from becoming what I was meant to be. This leads me into my next event: falling in love.

For the first time in years (or forever, really), I fell in love. It was such a short amount of time spent with this person and he somehow became everything to me in that small pocket of time. I had truly felt like this was going to my person for the rest of my life. It made me question whether I was someone who had truly fallen for another or if I romanticize the hell out of potential. He was everything I wanted in a partner: smart, hilarious, ambitious, and curious. It didn’t hurt that he was nice to look at too. But what I realized was that he didn’t treat me right. I could go into detail about what he did to me that was so wrong, but that’s one side of the story only. I’m a fair person, I had my shortcomings where I probably could’ve done something better to alleviate the tension between us. But if it was meant to be, it would’ve worked out. I miss him still, but I can’t justify wasting time and energy over a man who clearly cares about himself and himself only. It was so bad that I went to a woo-woo lady (clairvoyant) to tell me about what will happen in the future and if he’d still reach out. She said yes, but I think I’m happier believing myself more. Do I wish he’d reach out and talk to me? Sometimes. But I’m happier knowing that I overcame such a devastating heartbreak and managed to put it into something productive like a book. I’d like to thank this person as much as tell them fuck you. Never let a person make you feel like you aren’t doing things right, they probably have no idea what the hell they’re doing and they’re just really good at pretending they have their shit together.

At 22, I’ve managed to recalibrate my way of thinking. It’s still a work in progress, because I simply care too much still, but I’ve taught myself to love the decisions I make just a bit more. I do things for me now rather than thinking if someone would like it if I said a certain thing or I made a certain choice. Fuck that. I’m thinking about me now because I’m about to graduate and I don’t have time worrying about what others think about me. When you make big moves in life, think about yourself first and foremost. Everyone else isn’t an afterthought, but in order to help others and get them what they deserve––you must start with yourself. I had originally thought it was selfish and self-absorbed to think like this, but the wiser ones in my life have cleared my mind and have guided me into a better mindset on how I should go about my day. This now leads me into my next event: friendships.

I’ve lost a best friend. No, not dead. But the friendship is. I thought this person would fight for our relationship and she immediately wrote me off for my decisions. I was regretful for how I acted at first, not understanding the weight of my actions and beliefs. I even cried when we talked because I felt so horrible. But what I didn’t understand was why these things weren’t brought up in the first place. This person left me in the dark, ignoring me and staying radio silent just for them to have a problem the whole time. I’m not saying I’m not in the wrong, but if you were a good friend––you would call me out and try to make me see the error of my ways immediately. They had issues with past relationships I had and how I deal with said relationships. I’m sorry that we didn’t work out as friends, but I’m even more sorry that they didn’t know how to talk to me. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t have let the friendship gone to waste. But this person is extremely adept at burning bridges without looking back. It reminded me of myself when I was younger, I don’t think I be like that again. I hope they’re doing well and that they’re happy where they are.

I don’t live with regret. I used to do nothing BUT regret. Especially when I was so young (as if I’m 50 now LMAO), but I stopped caring about the past because all we have is now and later. I want to go into 23 fearless and colorful. I’m going to keep the people in my life so close that they can’t breathe anymore because I know how to love and I know how to love hard. The people who stick by me are the ones who deserve all of my energy. Most of all, I will never regret being me. You should never regret liking what you like or enjoying the things that make you happy. Be weird. Be passionate. Be spontaneous. It doesn’t matter, but do what you believe in and always make room for yourself to fuck up and learn. I still have so much to learn about quite literally everything. I need to watch more movies, read more books, play more games, meet more people, the world is always ready for you. It’s only up to you to stop waiting for something to happen.

Today, I’m going to watch a bunch of movies at the theater, because I fucking deserve to nerd out on Jujutsu Kaisen and Kill Bill. I’m gonna eat good fucking food and go to the museum. I’m gonna see my friends and honestly? I’m gonna make this whole month my birthday, because my mom has made me see myself as someone who deserves nothing but the best. So I will do just that.

I wish to fall in love again, to cry again, to forgive again, but never to forget the hard work I’ve put in to myself. I will continue on doing my best and see where I take myself, because I never know with myself. And I like that.

With so much birthday love,

Indigo