New Beginnings

My first entry! It’s a little (very) terrifying to write about something I’m not sure of. I’m mostly brain dumping right now.

Alas, you’ve grown curious enough to read my blog.

I’m grateful that you have an interest in what I have to say. This blog will start with something sentimental and introductory at the same time. There have been a lot of changes in my life: job-wise, school-wise, friend-wise, etc. Most of all, I have a book! I’m so nervous about publishing it and putting it out there in the world. But I hope my hard work pays off and people enjoy what I have written. It’s been a dream of mine since I was younger to have my work published. I’ve always known that I was destined, meant to create something for others to see. Of course, I chose the most exposed, vulnerable way to do so. But that’s what makes it so exciting!

I see it as an experiment and the very core of human nature. Revealing oneself to strangers and friends alike to see how they react. My book is a form of connecting, communicating, and feeling. Once, when I was with someone, I kept talking and they stopped me. Only to tell me one thing:

“Feel.”

I’m never not thinking about that moment with that person. One word, one interaction. It resonated so deeply with me that it’s been months, and I still think about it. It made me rethink a great deal about myself. Do I not feel enough? Do I talk to fill the vast space around me because I’m afraid of emptiness? Do I not do enough? I believe that specific moment with that person drove me to write a lot about them, to write about others, and myself. It’s amazing how one small thing can change the entire trajectory of your life.

Conversations are important. I love having them, regardless of how shallow or deep they get. But I fear I don’t have enough conversations. This book is my way of reaching out to start conversations. Conversations with those I still stay in touch with, those who have left, and those I wish would talk to me. Oh, you have no idea how bad I want some people to reach out to me. It’s excruciating that I had to write a whole damn book for me to finally gain courage to reach out, even if it’s passive. I just hope they’re as curious as you and read this, it’s me yelling: PLEASE TALK TO ME.

Way to sound desperate!

In all honesty, I don’t care. I’ve lived a life where I’m constantly torn between two sides of myself: an honest, candid me and a me who molds herself to adhere to what is expected of me. I don’t think the latter is necessarily a bad persona to have; I think it’s necessary to adapt and to understand what others need and want. But just know, the me on this site is 100% candid and true to herself. Don’t expect any bullshit that’s extremely edited or shaven down to look nice. The whole point of me as a person is to do my due diligence in being honest. I’m absolutely sick of not being true to myself and others. I see this as absolution. It’s completely selfish and selfless at the same time, and sure, no one asked for this, but someone might need it.

Wow, I said to myself, I was going to have a hard time writing a blog entry. Clearly not. I always manage to amaze myself with the amount of shit I have to say.

So, what am I trying to say?

Read. Speak. Understand. Listen.

You never know when someone truly needs an ear and an open mind. Stay curious and stay inquisitive, check on your friends and family. Spark up those uncomfortable conversations you’ve been putting off; they’re necessary to have.

Thanks so much for reading. I love you!

With so much love,

Indigo