Fujii Kaze, Ghosting, and Unemployment

Half-baking in gym clothes that I used as pajamas because I swore to myself that I'd go to the gym the night before, I feed myself another idea of what could potentially be a path that occurs in my reality.

Yet, it never happens.

Or, it does happen, but it fizzles out faster than a talking stage that felt lifeless to begin with.

Hi, my name is Indigo, and I'm a consistently inconsistent human who yearns for change.

I originally wanted to go off on a long-winded spiel of the fundamentals of how to put yourself in a healthy mindset and make those changes happen (knowing myself, I’ll play wise old owl towards the end of this post). Still, I realized that I'd just be writing some self-help blog post that I'm most definitely not certified to do. Yes, my words may hold meaning, but will they hold weight?

Instead of leaning into my writing style and playing 20 Questions with my readers, I decided I would write about current happenings in my life. Because that's what a blog is about, right?

I rarely have a concrete idea of what will come out of my brain and my fingers when I write these posts, and I think that's quite beautiful. But even then, I rewrite my thoughts because I have a (slightly) immense dislike for not being able to convey my thoughts properly or articulately.

Anyways... Current happenings, current happenings...

It's so fucking boring to talk about post-grad life. Because it's all the same song and dance. Unemployment. Networking. Questioning the status quo. Losing your mind about the fact that you have a bachelor's degree and NO ONE STILL WANTS YOU.

It's one thing to feel rejected, but it's another not even to catch someone's attention. Never in my life have I ever felt more like a pick me. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this devastation. (I wanted to say devastating void of hopelessness, but that's just dramatic, and I'm trying to work on that) I actually voiced out to multiple people that I was excited to graduate because the world was truly in my hands, and I got to do whatever the hell I wanted with all this free time and free space and freedom.

Yes...and no.

Unfortunately, at least in this country, I'm expected to have a plan by the time I'm aware of my existence. Unrealistic and unfairly pressured, I'm stuck scrambling for a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, Plan D, etc. Because I was so sure I was going to write movies and TV shows and sell scripts and books.

But I'm not so sure that's viable anymore. Not as my main trick at least.

This realization had struck me with a depression I haven't felt in years. I love writing, but why can't I realistically survive off of it? I can't even maintain a blog regularly, so meeting deadlines creatively might be out of the question for me. I had to come face-to-face with the facts of who I was as a person, and some of these things are just surfacing now as I write this. I have the biggest struggle with motivation, and it's a very human issue that I do not shame myself for. Obviously, physical and mental health come first, but it sometimes feels easy to blame it on the crutch. To blame it on what is real, yes, but such a fucking nuisance that you now have to rethink your whole adult life and come to terms with the fact that the bills are not going to pay themselves.

This leads me to the point that these lows are a little... helpful? Because I'm pushed into such a tight corner where I'm figuring out a puzzle called my future, and I'm formulating all the different routes that seem realistic enough for a career and won't make me miserable. I have also learned that I don’t have to sacrifice what I love for another thing, but rather… Pair it with something more substantial. Like potato chips! They’re good on their own, but not really nutritious, but with a sandwich? It’s perfect. So writing? Potato chips.

I will say, I found AN answer. Not THE answer, but AN answer.

I figured I'd have to go this route, and yes, I'm being rather vague about what this route is, but I think this is something I'll keep to myself until things are properly set in motion. So, within my daze of aporia, I realized during my bed rotting and self-contained loathing sessions that there are some aspects of my life that I do not care for anymore.

My priorities have changed.

Happiness is being debt-free, traveling, and glowing with freedom. I didn't even comprehend how many times I was stunting myself with distractions that I've lost the plot on my true desires.

You know this wouldn't be an Indigo blog post without some anecdotal rambling about romance or relationships, so I'll rip the band-aid off now and get to it.

I won't air out too much of my "dirty laundry" because it hardly counts as anything, but it still bothered me to the point where I had consulted various people about my reservations with how this situation went. Energy reciprocation is just so important to me, and I think this last interaction just sucked the life out of me, where now I have a hard time responding to messages. I know I shouldn't give so much power to a person I barely even got to know, but human interactions truly change you, even if it's just for a little bit. I'm not exactly bitter or holding a grudge, but I don't like being disrespected. It's such a lame thing to do when you lead someone to believe you'll match their energy and keep the conversation going, and then you don't follow through. I admit, I'm also a very evil wrongdoer (dramatic, again), and I, too, ghost people and lose all motivation in responding to them or interest in general. I guess there's no easier way than to just fall off the face of the earth and not deal with what you've started and can't finish.

What I did realize was that I'm beginning to build a tolerance for getting over bullshit at a faster pace. The past talking stages I've been through have been easier to move on from because, well, I never really knew you to begin with. I have a crush, but no real emotional attachment to who you are. Maybe just who you could be. But the illusion of who you could be to me is immediately shattered by the fact that your true colors were shown in your silence.

So trust me, it does get easier. There's been no bigger blessing than being single because holy shit, the dating pool is just like the job market. Barren, embarrassing, and disappointing as shit.

Aside from being let down and somewhat surprised by people who have done me wrong, I will now provide a list of great, positive things I believe everyone should try interacting with at least once in their life:

• Chia pudding

• Fujii Kaze

• Transfer-proof lip products

• Franny Choi's poetry

• Baking

• Improving your typing speed

• Manhattan Beach

• Five Below

As for Fujii Kaze, I'd like to recommend the following songs:

• Hachikō

• Matsuri (my favorite at the moment)

• Kirari

• Prema

I would like to continue rambling on with a positive attitude. All hope is never lost, especially when you're able to wake up the next day. I think we're all conditioned to live in such a rush, at least being in Los Angeles has spoonfed me that; there's no reason to force something to grow when it's meant to flourish on its own time. Things aren't easy right now, and I'd like the anxiety to ease up on me. But I figured this is another way of things just recalibrating themselves. I'll take care of what I'm in control of, and other things will follow through.

So enjoy that latte you definitely can't afford, max out that credit card that you have to pay off next week, and stalk that ex-situationship you still sometimes miss. Means you're alive. Not all decisions you make have to be meaningful or good, but they have to be yours. Own up to what you do, and see if there's room for improvement. But just know that change stays idle until you take it upon yourself to address it.

So, if you read this and you think I'm mad at you, or I'm not doing okay, or you miss me, or whatever the fuck. Let's talk, let's have a conversation. Because I love having those. There's no better remedy for humanity than a conversation.

Have them.

With so much love,

Indigo